I went to Wisconsin, and it was unbearably hot. At night, unable to sleep, I sprawled under the ceiling fan and thought about all my previous summers there. Wisconsin is many sad layers these days. There is pain and exhaustion and frustration and fear in all the corners. And the house feels heavier every day. There is nothing to do but be there and say I love you, though that mostly goes unheard. I think, if I were not a youth worker, this might destroy me. 

I went to Buffalo, and it was more perfect than usual. I had longer there. I treated my social world more casually, allowing my needs and desires to come first. I did not see everyone, only the people most critical to the well-being of my soul. I went to important places, but not all places. I slept a lot. There were big feelings there, but not the usual kinds. Feelings about complacency here and lack of complacency there, who I am here and who I am there, and next steps in my life and what feels right and wrong about them.

I came back and summer had hit the Northwest. It is in the 70s and sunny, occasional rain. The air smells sweet. Summer here is, maybe, perfect. The only fault the chilly nights. When I was away I felt, tangibly, what it would be like to live away from Seattle. I didn't like it so much. This has become my home. It is hard to move and to leave a world you have built. And it is hardest to leave a person you are very in love with. So, there is all that. Big choices and conversations all over my horizons. Jesse and I sat in her room and talked about the way we make decisions: combination of logic and intuition. Perfect for one person and not perfect for two. 

I am feeling antsy about all kinds of things. I spend long hours doing research about schools. I'm trying to decide if I should apply to this program that requires the GRE or not. I want to start writing my essays now. I want the whole process to be done. Everything feels up and moving. I applied to this job that is sort of my job but with more paperwork and different hours (traditional weekends, fewer overnights, weirder overall schedule). Eleni is coming to visit next week. I am anxious. Everything feels deep. I wonder what the new moon might have to do with this.