what if all i ever wrote about was the sun, my Feelings, plants?

that seems to be kind of what is happening anyway.

today, the Sun is the brightest and hottest it has been since the week I arrived in September. the sky is the color i used to call my favorite, cerulean. my favorite crayon in the box. i sat in the kitchen watching the Sun filter in the window over the yolks of my hardboiled eggs, which i absently smashed open, and my raspberry leaf tea, which tasted of artichokes. i thought about other iterations of this same Sun. three weekends ago watching the Sun run down my runny egg yolk and lemon juice cascading over beet greens. i put on a bright green shirt. ten months ago lounging on the parkway with emily and frank in this same shirt, under this same grade of Sun Heat. alex and i sat in the adirondack chairs outside the cupcake, staring out at lake washington and the mountains and soaking up the heat. but for the screaming children it would have been easy to pretend i was in Glacier.

my Feelings: my knees hurt, because I went dancing last night, and I have taken to knocking them together when I do that. something i have noticed in the past several multigenre dance parties i have been to: hip hop is what i love and sing along to, r&b is what i smile and move my hips to, and house music...house music is what makes my body GO CRAZY. CRAZY. i haven't really danced to house music since i was in europe, but it's what my body likes the best. i am angular and spastic and this is the music a girl all knees and elbows belongs in. marcel, at poptrash, shouted at me "YOU. DETERMINE. THE RHYTHM." and in these rhythms, i snake in and out, determining my own. within a minute i am focused and caught in a whirlwind.

more Feelings. feeling overextended. earlier this week i threw up and fell asleep for 12 hours, on account of this Feeling. i've got to watch it.

feeling the need to solve all the unresolved ends. i woke up and cleaned my shelf on the fridge. i dealt with all my financial ruin (all that could be handled on the weekend, that is). i am going to clean my room, later. i am going to clean the bathroom, too. i am going to throw open the windows and smudge. i am going to smoke the last bit of weed from when Mollie visited. i am going to buy some cigarettes. i am going to buy some whiskey. i am going to light all my candles and take deep breaths and meditate.

i Feel like writing clear, pointed letters to everyone who has hurt me and who i have hurt. but that never works out so well.

it's a day when music explodes me. all the music, exploding me. with memories, with lyrics, with desire to dance, with smiles. i am on a playlist right now called "STAND BY ME." it's from last summer. it starts with "Train In Vain." "Train in Vain" is cemented in my brain in the blur of the Pink at 3:00 am. I had made it to 22 without ever hearing this song before, but it was buried deep in my consciousness. i was by the pool table and i was talking to devin and when it came on everything else stopped and erupted. we began to spin and tap and the bar began to sing along. punks and middle aged men and young black women and us. everyone eyes tired who had been slumped, lifted up off the floor. jimmy the kid, who i went to high school with, was hopping in and out of the dj booth, and he peeled off his shirt and jackknifed his feet back and forth in the air.

next on the playlist is "Message of Love." Which gave me a summer anthem that never loses its necessity. look round the room, life is unkind. we fall but we keep gettin' up, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and...

the plants. the PLANTS. i am blessed to live in a house with a botany major and to have a friend who i sometimes take long night walks with who knows much about plants. we take a meander down to the lake and as we stop to exclaim about things, she labels them for me. "so beautiful!!!!" we both say. and then, "can you believe these succulents would grow in the rainforest?" and then, "LOOK, an olive tree!" and i point out to her my favorites, the camellias, which she did not know the names of, which i learned the names of from dana, who will be leaving in one week exactly.