i just got to seattle, and am sitting in the airport enjoying the free wireless and a quiet minute with a sandwich, because jet blue does not believe in meals on six hour flights, only overpriced "snack boxes." i was asleep for the distribution of those anyways.

i am reading alice notley's reason and other women. a most gorgeous book.  

you wanted human panorama but were wrong to.

sums up much of how i move through the world.

this does not feel real. but i have that crushed melon feeling in the bottom of my stomach, the everything new and changing one, deep fears churning, edge of seat panic, moment upon moment, idiot, survival mode. i will be in this for a while. the last time was amsterdam. it is exciting and terrifying.