A Pre-Bedtime Reflection

Ever get scared by the amount of power that you possess and do not exercise? Each of us has the ability to emotionally crush those close to us like so many helpless ants on the sidewalk, if we wanted to. And of course we would never want to, and mostly just la la la pretend that we don't have that power. But we do, we are putting ourselves in position to be crushed like so many helpless ants constantly, every day. These are some of the few things, our inherent trust and vulnerability and empathy, as a species, that make me optimistic about the human race.

Sometimes, being close to other people, when I think about what it really means, I get struck with the same kind of gut fear that being entrusted with other people's babies strikes me with. What if I am just stupid and do something wrong, turn my back for a minute, and our mutual trust and love dies, and it's my fault for being careless with it? Trust and vulnerability and empathy may make me feel optimistic about the human race, but they make me feel mighty cynical (and frightened) about and for myself. Oddly enough, I have none of this anxiety in offering up my own trust.

There is a philosophical term for this kind of cynicism but I don't remember what it is.